SHOCK HORROR
I’m writing on my blog.
I didn’t purposely run away from you dear blog.
If you are a new follower of my Instagram, or Facebook or Pinterest or here, you will have picked up quite quickly that I’m loud online. I don’t hide much about myself. I like to share the gritty details as well as the happy. There is no bullshitting around in my online community. I don’t like to sugar coat things…I like my world to be pretty and colourful, but I like to tell you the journey I had getting to that fluoro as fuck gorgeous glitter of life. It’s not always pretty.
Last year something happened that changed my natural genetic emotional makeup(if that’s even a thing). It’s changed me in a way, I didn’t fully realise until recently. I worked out that I am in fact different, or perhaps more scared, to share myself as loudly as I once did online. And I’m actually completely fucking pissed off about it.
I am not perfect. I never ever pretended to ever be perfect. In fact I’ve celebrate with loud mother fucking hits of confetti how imperfect I really am. And so for someone to challenge this fact, and to stomp on my mis-shaped glitter life, I’ve moved from close breaking point(needing sedation THANKS FUCK HEAD) to rage.
If you are a new friend of mine in this world-wide web, then you can in fact read about a letter that was sent to me in October last year. HERE
Jayde is still in here, but I have recognised lately that some of me disappeared after ‘lettergate’
I’ve wanted to write about it A LOT more. I didn’t because it’s not the rest of the world’s problem to have to help me find my ‘loud’ again. But I do want to talk about it because it’s not fair. And the fact that its MAY and I’ve written 3 blog posts in total this year, is not fair.
I love writing and rambling. It helps my anxious mind in MAJOR ways when I write down all my rambly wobbly words. So I’m taking this step.
I really wanted to just write some words to see if I could!? Rambling I have no problem with, but the fear of hitting post, and people like my letter writer reading things again is terrifying.
So if I hit post. Then I did it. And I’m pushing past my emotions and the fact anyone is reading this is a MASSIVE ‘ fuck you’ to my letter writer.
What the fuck was the point?! To tell me you couldn’t stand my personality. WHY?
Have you got it out of your system?!
In the beginning I thought about it every day. A month later I had shingles ‘from stress’ and now have nerve damage from the shingles. So thanks letter writer friend. You induced some serious as fuck stress within me and now I’m stuck with MORE fucking pain on top of my chronic pain. So you can imagine why I’m not feeling all ‘blessed’ and ‘grateful’ for this ‘journey’.
And you may all think I’m crazy to give any more of attention to this, and not ‘ignore’ it like everyone said I should have, but lets hover over that word ‘crazy’ for a minute. My letter writer started the letter with ‘We all know you have mental health issues, stop ramming down people’s throat’… Someone, who knows I have an anxiety disorder, and knows I deal with panic attacks, thought the best thing to do was to write me seven pages(typed) on how I basically am the shittest human alive.
WHO.THE.FUCK.DO.YOU.THINK.YOU.ARE?!
Why on earth, would you write a piece of shit letter like this to me. Or to ANYONE?
I guess the thing that annoys the absolute fuck out of me, is I don’t get my rebuttal.
This person didn’t leave their name or an address or any clue as to where I could find them(apart from them thinking my shop is in the ‘city’ which leads me to believe they are not city folk as my shop is like 50 minutes away from the city). So when I’m ready, I’m going to take the letter, scan it, and pull the fucker apart and give my rebuttal. Because I have tried and tried to move past it. And essential I pretty much have, I don’t think about it often, apart from making jokes about its bulshittyness, and it pops in my brain when I want to write a blog post then cripples my confidence.
Everyone has told me to burn it and chuck it away and get rid of it. I’m not there yet. I’ve only ever read it 3 times, and my memory is a bit shit, so its kind of good I can’t fully remember the details anymore, but I think for me to just let it the fuck go(suck on that Elsa) I need the time to reply. And possibly make fun of the letter to the world. I don’t often lose my shit, but I’m finally angry instead of upset about it all.
Its not fair, and its something that shouldn’t happen to people. I’m not perfect, but I’m also not the asshole this letter makes me out to be. There is a lot of truth in it. But the truths are extremely negative. Truths about myself I find awesome, they just SHAT on. I need to be able to do this my own way. My brain copes better when the wrath of Jayde smashes down upon those who fuck my shit up. Ask my family and friends. I don’t lose my shit unless I’m pushed beyond my limits then if you cop the wrath of Jayde, you won’t ever forget it.
For how anxious my head sometimes gets, I’m generally pretty chilled. My freak outs are usually internal. So don’t worry, I’m not all rage monster over here. I just want to write on my freaking blog without feeling like I can’t be myself totally.
For those reading who enjoy ‘hate reading’ as I’ve learned is actually a real thing, get some help. There is a whole world out there of people who follow people on social media and read their blogs simply because they can’t stand them. It gives them a weird sense of entitlement, and must make them feel better. But seriously, you’re a bit fucked in the head if you stick around reading shit that fills you with anger somehow. And I know what its like to be fucked in the head. Dont do it to yourself. If you go beyond having a laugh and eye roll with you bestie about an online person you follow, and it starts getting all rage party in your head, then you need to un-follow and stop reading. It’s not only shit for you, it could potentially destroy the emotions of a person if you act on your anger. I had to get fully drugged up because I was so upset so my kids didn’t see how much pain I was in. Even if you hate the person, do you really wish them that much pain?!
Ok. So I got my ramble out and if I panic later I could delete this so read it quick. Sometime soon I will pull apart that letter and have a party to destroy it.
Thank you to EVERYONE who so thoughtfully messaged me and sent kindness letters and were just so supportive. There is WAY more of you than hateful assholes, but it’s always the seven page hate letters that seem to stand out like dog shit.