The Cheesecake isn’t really to blame. Because there isn’t any cheesecake available.
BUT!!!
If there WAS cheesecake, I may not have been the mother fucker of a mother to my children.
My calorie intake this week has been strict. I’ve been so determined to watch what I consume, so that I can lose weight, today I realised. . .I’m fucking hungry.
Not normal hunger from when you watch what you eat. I’m technically not actually hungry because I have eaten enough food, I am so so fine.
I’m that irrational hungry that I am once a month before my period. I’ve only realised the last year that I have this werewolf inside of me that erupt before P town comes to party. For 1-2 days I seriously don’t give a flying fuckery what sort of healthy eating I am doing, I want to eat an entire packet of Monte Carlos and wash it down with a 6 pack of cold cans of coca-cola. OH MY GOD I could freaking INHALE a can of coke. If someone said “Jayde, you can have this cold icy can of coke right now, but it must be administered via your retina first, THEN you get a sip” I would happily lube my eyesballs up with saline and pump them full of that hideous stomach rotting delicious as fuck drink of the devil.
Another little devil hanging around this wild Mumma is the Moon. It has a funny way of setting my house on fire.
It was full moon this weekend, and I really felt the waters in me rising like the tide.
Minty the other night started running laps around the house bouncing off the walls. And I couldn’t work out why she was so busy. Then Steve walks in and reminded us it was the full moon. She wasn’t full-blown energy bunny, but it was the night before the full moon. So the wild was going to hit us hard.
So we feed them(homemade Pizza for them. . . those lucky bastards) and salad for me. I’m not gonna lie, I totally stole the biggest piece of pizza to eat. I did make the dough so technically its healthy in my brain when I make shit from scratch. WELL IT WAS THAT DAY JUDGEMENTAL HEALTH NAZIS. Sorry, I really wanted to eat the entire pizza right now clearly.
So I throw Minty in the bath and she was loving it in there so we left her as long as possible and Iggy goes in for a shower. They are giggling and having a ball and I was looking at emails and Steve was vacuuming, and I jumped up to check on them and I open the door to what looks like a cross between the Noah’s Ark flood and that day when you decide to clean out all of the old beauty products you don’t need and they are on a pile on the floor because you can’t find a fucking box to throw them in. Except not one product is old on the floor in this moment, and every product costs a small fortune and I may have lost my shit so hardcore, Minty probably won’t ever in her entire life use a beauty product for fear It may explode in her hand. I WAS PISSED OFF AND ANGRY.
I’m not really the complete meltdown lose my shit type person. I usually get all anxious or just thinky. I try really hard to pick my battles when it comes to my kids.
I really am quite lucky. They are super easy children. Iggy was born the most chilled out child on the planet and slept from day dot and just did what he was meant to do. He is almost 9 and you tell him to go unpack the dishwasher and he gets up and does it. There just isn’t a fuss. He does get a little anxiety about things, and he has a fear of getting in trouble as does Minty so they are both mega Mummy pleases. Not so much Daddy pleases. Daddy doesn’t quite know how to pick battles as well as Mummy. Daddy is an only child and hasn’t dealt with kids like I have my entire life. So they do what he asks, but the fear factor isn’t as hardcore with them both as it is with me.
I think because I am super chilled about most stuff and I am very realistic about what kids should and shouldn’t do. I talk to them about everything. I treat them like humans, and I explain why ‘no you can’t do that’. So they both do have a weird unrealistic fear of getting in trouble with me because it doesn’t happen often.
BUT WHEN IT DOES, the earth moves. Coco hid somewhere. And Thor who is a pain in the ass shadow and follows you even if you grab a tissue to blow your nose. You turn around and trip on him because HE IS ALWAYS FREAKING THERE.
Not this time though. Smart fucking dogs. They would have been the receiver of the most nearly yelling if they even shed a hair after I lost my shit at the kids.
I told you guys before the wrath of Jayde is a real thing. And my children now know it.
When I walked into the aquatic centre that is my bathroom, the voice that expelled itself from within me, was that of a demon you may witness on Supernatural.
Both of the Leeder children faces went white.
Minty has never looked like she is going to shit herself as much as she did in that bath.
There was yelling from me and zero noise from them. I think I threw out a few threats about grabbing the hose and hosing their bedrooms down and fucking up their shit to see if they liked it and that daddy and I would giggle while we did it so they felt the rage I was feeling.
I’m not proud.
I made them put their pj’s on and go straight to bed because I was LIVID. In hindsight, it probably didn’t deserve me going off the rails at them so hardcore, but I am super mega strict on respecting other people, and other people’s shit. So when they throw the freaking WET face washer across the bathroom repeatedly to try to hit each other in the head and it lands all on my shit and wets the drawers and my hair straighter and everything is in there. . .never anyone elses stuff of course all of their stuff and Steves stuff is dry. . .then they gots to get schooled.
Steve continued to vacuum around me yelling at them like a banshee, and while Iggy was freaking out getting dressed he’s vacuuming yelling at Iggy about some other shit. Thats what Steve does. If I get angry, instead of remaining calm and getting everyone to chill like I would if it was the reverse he just starts yelling as well cos somehow he thinks thats ‘supportive’.
SO everyone’s yelling, and I help Minty get dressed cos she is white and shivering cos its freaking cold and can’t get dressed, and her poor tiny body is probably in some sort of shock, and I get her dressed all angry like and tell her to go to bed and her little lip was dropping, and usually I would be calm already and get her to sit with me and apologise and I would apologise for yelling blah blah, but my anger wasn’t ready to go.
So she goes to bed and Iggys in bed after getting more yelled at cos there was Lego or something on the floor that Steve was going to vacuum(just vacuum the fuckers already, one warning done, then if it’s still on the floor vacuum those bastards up) So I’m angry at him being more angry on top of my angry, and I usually get over things pretty quick, so while there is still fire in my soul, I sat down with Minty and asked her why I was so angry and did she understand why I was so upset!? And of course she didn’t have a clue because she was too scared to answer me for fear of the lion inside of me eating her, so I explained everything, and I said go to sleep and she quickly shut her eyes so tight and I nearly laughed so I quickly went to Iggys room and did the same speech but more suited to almost 9-year-old language and left them to feel guilty for almost breaking my favourite face creams. Cos guys, face creams are important.
So in like 3 minutes I felt SHIT and calmed down quick. And went in and gave them curdles and gentle talking and even Thor came out of hiding for cuddles so the dogs sensed Lucifer had left my body and it was safe.
Te moral of the story is this. . .give me cheesecake before every period. Give me cheesecake when the full moon is close by.
And don’t fuck up my shit, and nobody will get hurt.
My kids the next day were sucking up to me something fierce. I have probably traumatized them so much that they may never wash for fear of using one of my body washes. God I’m an asshole once in a while.
How can you ever get angry at these cute babies
