Not ok. . .

I felt guilty. I usually do a post for R U OK day. I did do a post. I did 9 to be precise.

But I couldn’t post.

I was not Ok. I’m still kind of not ok.

I am not suicidal at all please don’t worry, but my anxiety is exhausting me at the minute.

I feel overwhelmed.

I felt anxiety for not posting about R U OK day or even asking people if they were OK because I was being selfish.

When I post anything about R U Ok day, lots of people share their journeys and email and message and I really love to be able to help in a small way and to be able to support others. But the last month, I couldn’t support others. I couldn’t support me properly. SO I was selfish.

The day before R U OK day, someone told me to stop ramming my mental health issues down people’s throat, and that ‘they fucking get it’.

That I use my mental health to get attention. (in a narcissistic way)

I do use it to get attention. Attention for mental health. Attention for help. It feels so lonely living in a brain that doesn’t logically think things through sometimes and has fear for no reason at times. I don’t feel alone when I ‘ram my mental health down people’s throat’ People support me. I support those who also feel alone. The attention HELPS everyone.

It helps me when I share. It helps others to come forward and talk when I share. I am NOT going to EVER stop talking about mental health and how I feel. Having anxiety is TORTURE. And just because I make jokes and try to make it all a bit lighter on social media and really put myself out there, doesn’t mean I am a narcissist. And it doesn’t mean I am ‘faking it’.

I just haven’t been great the last couple of months. A series of things so boring to others it’s not worth mentioning, but quite high stress, which usually ironically doesn’t actually give me anxiety, has just made things really hard to get through for some reason.  And then when this person wiggled their negative vile hatred over me,  it kind of sent me over the edge.  (which they ‘predicted’ would happen, well done you clever fuck) except they don’t believe it, or anything I say really.

I was sent a letter. . .this person who wrote this letter is sitting rubbing their greasy hands together because ‘finally’ they got what they wanted.

In the letter it was mentioned that I wouldn’t ‘cope’ and share it all over social media so that I can get attention for my ‘mental health issues’ and the letter attacking me. But in the same paragraph they said I would either splash it all over social media or I would disappear and wait for people to start asking ‘where are you’ ‘are you ok’ so I could get attention that way.

It doesn’t matter how I handle this, this person ‘wins’. In their mind.

SEVEN PAGES. Seven pages it took for this anonymous person to tell me what a vile human I was and that I don’t do anything unless I want something in return.

Everyone I have talked to about the letter, has told me to not think about it anymore, or not ‘take it on’ or ‘forget’ about it.

It’s just not been that simple.

Has anyone ever written you a seven paged typed letter telling you what a shit human you are? and taking quotes from my blog posts and Instagram posts and without context yes I sound like a materialistic as fuck vile human.

I read it through three times in total. I wont read it again.  My friends and family have read it a few times. And even my friend’s friend who is a trauma psychologist read through it an analyzed it.

Everyone of course was shocked and upset.

But one thing was very evident throughout the entire letter. . . this person forgot to have a sense of humour when ever they read anything of mine. They do not get me at all. Except that they think they know me so perfectly.  And I guess this is what I want to remind you all of.

I am probably 97% sharing my humour when I write or post. I also write the exact same way as I talk. It’s usually a bit theatrical. It’s usally to make someone smile. There are usually only a few times I am dead serious. When I talk about the girls at Rafiki Mwema and if I am talking about mental health or charities or serious issues. And do you know what!? Even then I usually try to make it light and happy.

For Example:

When I was driving the Ford Kuga for the Kidspot ford thinking challenge, I was meant to post pictures and posts of the car and talk about my experience of the car. You see if I win, I win the car for a year, so I was of course going to talk about my amazing time and I really honestly loved the car. Who wouldnt. It’s like a  freaking spaceship on wheels. I mentioned in my standard sense of humour that ‘how would I ever be able to turn a real key again in my regular car, my hand would forever cramp’. . .CLEARLY my hand wont literally fucking cramp. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to read IT WAS A JOKE,  But this person went nuts at me for talking about it all and that the only reason I was crapping on about it was because I want Ford to give me the car. . . NO SHIT SHERLOCK. It’s a fucking competition you dumb shit and the fact that they thought I was SERIOUS about my hand cramping due to turning a key in my regular car after I was used to push start in the Kuga, shows you the type of Fucktard we are dealing with. . .oh yeah and me using the word ‘fucktard’ makes me a ‘child’. . how many kids are talking like that?!?! Not mine. . .oh but I am a shit parent too. And they implied I am turning Minty into a brat. . .Does anyone else think this way? Because that is certainly not what is happening here in the real land of the Leeder family. She is the most happy little human around. And quite far from any type of spoilt brat.

You see when you talk about my parenting and my babies, I will ROAR like a mutherfucking tiger and rip you a new asshole. I may put my children on social media, but its all positive happy REAL stories, and NO ONE has the right to judge any of us. If I was feeding my kids crack then yeah, might be a good idea to tell me I am shit person, but I love my babies hard, and telling me I am abusive to my dog because she ate my fucking shoes makes you a piece of shit, not me an animal abuser. Any other human would have given this dog up at 7 months old. Not us. We adore her. She is our family. Me calling her an asshole because she fucks my shit up if we leave her alone does not make us abusive. We are the OPPOSITE of that.

They also said anyone who follows me and ‘believes my crap’ is an idiot. So I’m an animal abuser and bad parent and you guys are totes idiots. Nice letter hey.

I am quite the good little investigator.

One day I will knock on your door and stare you in the eyes and smile. And watch you shit yourself. Because if you actually had some balls, you would have written your name. Feel free to come forward anytime. I would LOVE to sit down with you face to face. Because you know me SO well. C’mob, lets have a coffee, I promise I wont talk until you have said everything you want to say. But SAY IT TO MY FACE.

I know we are not friends, and you don’t actually know me, because you said I ‘sit up there in my shop in the city’ implying I don’t live in the real world. . .people who actually know me or my shop know its nowhere near the ‘city’. And how is being in a city not the ‘real word’ anyway?!? Why is a postcode relevant?!

One day I might post the letter so you can all see what its like. Because honestly, its brutal. It’s not just someone being a troll. This person had to spend time, reading through my blog posts on here and kidspot and instagram posts and pulled them apart and wrote things that were actually  true about me, like being an attention seeker, and put it all in a  very crippling negative way. I don’t actually find myself wanting attention, negative. I like interacting with people online. A lot of it was truth, but with so much hostility and hate and anger towards me about it

My friend Sonia and I were talking about it the other day, and we worked out that I am both introverted and extroverted. I am both ‘out there’ and ‘quiet’ But I am quite happy with who I am. Well I did up until 4 weeks ago.  When someone pounds down on you and basically tells you over and over again, that your personality and who you are as a parent, and who you are as a human is a piece of shit, because they think they know you, its something that can’t be brushed off and moved on from quickly and easily. I think I’ve forgotten myself a little bit:(

I’ve been feeling really sensitive about it. After the first few days when it was the worst, I felt like I wasnt allowed to give it any more attention. But because I’ve been trying to brush it off, and move on, I have been making it a lot worse on myself. The doctor drugged me up good. And I’ve never been so thankful for modern medicine in all my life.

I was not Ok. Yes the best thing to do is to not give this person attention or any of my energy and act as though I don’t give a fuck, but I do.

Since I’ve had my shop and built up my online life over the last 5 years, something magical happened. I realised that I was able to cope better with life and anxiety and being a parent, because I have been able to open up to the world and in turn found an online community who ‘get me’ And so I write. I write little bits of my day and family and work and feelings and anything, because I felt like I could be me. Sometimes I can’t verbalise things. I am great at talking, and generally I am an open book, but sometimes I don’t know how to say the actual words. So I write them.  And its been this most amazing experience. And I felt more confident to write it down than to say it out loud.

I am super sensitive. And I’m super tough. I am always a walking contradiction. Pain sears through my body every single second of the day from my back. Sometimes its really bad sometimes its bearable. My knee was ripped apart and held together by just the skin and nothing else and my knee cap was broken with no ligaments held together, and was dislocated for 10 hours and I didnt shed one tear. Even after the hospital popped it back in place, they made a mistake and sent me home, and I spend 7 days with my knee connected by skin only, and I barely cried.

But words cripple me. They shatter me. To know that someone hates me enough to sit and write a freaking novel to me about it, disturbs me. It hurts. I don’t care how fucking tough inside you are. If you read this freaking letter  you would break too.

I feel like I’ve lost a bit of me.

I can’t shake it. I know I will be back to me, but I am so sensitive about how others see me. I know we shouldnt worry, but that’s how I feel. It’s almost a bad thing or taboo if you admit that you like being liked. Why? Why is it so much better to ‘not give a fuck what others think’? I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be fake like my letter writer kept telling me I was, because I am not smart enough to pretend to be someone different. I do like when people like me. Its nice. And I actually felt good knowing I had online supporters who like me for me. Because I am pretty fucking honest with who I am.

Whats not nice is knowing someone hates you so much, just for being you.  I just prefer to not know if someone doesn’t like me. And is that too much to ask?!? Since when did it become ok to tell people how much you can’t stand them instead of just moving the fuck along with your life and not thinking of that person again. I am not a dumbass, I realise I cant please the world, and I realise not every single person will like me. I wish they did, bu tthey won’t, and thats ok, but they dont need to tell me about it. They dont need to tell anyone.

If you are starting to really feel like you hate me or anyone, or someone you follow on social media really pisses you off, stop following them. What is wrong with you that you would stay for so long building up so much hatred for them. Life is too short.

Whenever someone is attacked, everyone’s advice is to just ‘ignore it’ and ‘don’t give it any energy’. . .but why? I really want to go through the emotions of all this. Your way of dealing with it is different to mine. I want to talk online about it for a minute. I don’t want to ignore it. It’s so unbelievably cowardly to send someone a seven paged letter ANONYMOUSLY to their shop the day before R U OK day, and then expect that person to ‘ignore it’.

So instead I am writing this post. I might write about it again? I don’t know? But something so sad has happened to my soul.

I havent been able to write. Something that I have never ever felt worried about. Who knows if this post will go live. Or maybe you will read it and it will disappear?! I don’t know? I don’t know the right way to handle this?!

But it felt right to write now.

One thing I do know. My family and friends kept me from falling down too far. I’ve had some heavy shit in my life, even though my letter writer seems to think I live a life of selfishness and zero charitability, there has been some heavy shit. We all have heavy shit at times. But this has been up there in the ‘heavy’ category. And my friend Sarah organised for my friends and family to each write a letter to me that Steve handed to me two days after the letter and it looked exactly the same and I almost vomited on the spot. It showed me what is important. It was amazing. They are amazing. Theya re whats important.

It stays with me near where I work everyday. They are beautiful and know me, and knew how hard it was and my friend even rocked up here yesterday and has a two week old baby. . . she lives in QLD and drove down.  I love them and everyone should have friends and family like mine. Thank you forever to every single one of you who ‘get me’.

Letter writer. You may have ‘unfollowed’ me as you let me know(which makes me so happy, because why the fuck were you following for this long anyway if you hated me so much you masochist) but you will be reading this FOR SURE. You have been waiting for this, every day, you would be checking in to see if I exploded, or ‘melted down’ or ‘not coped’, my question is this?!

Why the fuck did you need to write this? Because one day soon I will be over this. I will be stronger and be back to myself and I wont be going anywhere. My friends and I already make jokes about it. We are laughing at you.  hashtag handcramp might trend soon you never know. You said that if I was getting help ‘its not fucking working’ Ummmm you wrote a seven paged letter to a stranger that you follow on social media and lost your absolute shit. . .I think YOU should be checking your own mental health and learn to move along when someone doesnt quite tickle your fancy. Mmmkay

I wasnt ok. . .but I am pretty fucking good at bouncing back. And I love my family and friends so fiercely and I love my online supporters. And to those who really dont like me, and have just quietly moved on, I know I say it a lot, but thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you for not telling me. Its how life online should be.

ps. . .dont write hate letters ever. Just go and have a glass of wine or see a therapist. And dont tell me I have bad hair. . . that shit dont fly around here.