Do you go through life for weeks feeling like you’re all sweet in the head then BAM, that anxiety bitch just does that bullshitty heavy chest throat thing, and it kind of takes you by surprise, yet it feels so fucking familiar and you are SICK OF IT.
I just felt sweet in the noggin’ for a little bit. There are normal life ‘stuff’ heavy on my mind, but I didn’t have that looming anxiety that just drags you down into the pits of hell and does what it always fucking does. Surprises you like diarrhea after the most delicious non threatening curry. The thing is, I know why I’m feeling like this. It’s a combination of life and normal stress, and also I went out on Saturday night and had a few drinks. I don’t go out much. I didn’t party like I was 22, but the getting ready that took all fucking day because the dogs were losing their minds because I was getting ready and they can’t handle us leaving them at home LIKE NORMAL DOGS, then the going out, and having some drinks and the uncomfortable shoes. It’s not something that a healthy brain would even think much of. Maybe a little hungover and tired, but after a few big macs and some time binge watching real housewives of New York and they are back to goof. But for an anxious brain, that day was massive. Plus throw chronic pain into the mix and this head turns into bad rave with bananas in pj’s back packs and lollipops. Yep. . .That bad.
So how does one function when that heavy deep chest squeezing starts to take over?!? Well you would think after 20 years of dealing with this crap I would have all the answers?!
Nope.
It just feels overwhelming. I can still function. I have to take Minty for her immunizations today, and get stuff for dinner and work until 1 am, and I do it. It takes longer and I feel like crying, but I just have to get shit done. It’s the only way I get through it. Step through the fire and hope like fuck that the burn ends somewhere and a cool breeze or even better, a cold pool is waiting for me?!
You see, the last 20 years, somehow, I got through?! So this time I will too. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Usually it was by telling my mum, or a friend, or my husband or the entire world, that I feel like everything is starting to build up on top of me like giant rocks on top of the burning chest and hot head. And when you tell your people . . .guys . . .you’re totally my people, then slowly one by one the support you feel from your people, takes one giant rock off your chest at a time, and then you get up and walk through the heat and even though your mind is filled with steam and you feel physically in pain, slowly it gets less painful and you will wake up and its like someone stuck a glorious as fuck icypole in your head and cooled it all down. Your eyes will be able to catch up when you turn your head quick. They won’t trail always.
It has taking me a really long time to write this. My chest feels like I need to rip at it often and pull out the heavy in there that just won’t go the fuck away. The back of my throat is tight. It physically feels hard to swallow which makes my mind go to that place of ‘what if my throat closes the fuck up and I can’t breath?!’ My jaw feels tense. Try this. . . clench your teeth as hard as you can, when you stop clenching you go back to relaxed hopefully. when I release my teeth, my temples and jaw still feel like I am clenching my teeth. But I’m not. I know in my sleep I am grinding my teeth because my temples and neck and top of my skull can feel the tension when I’m awake. When you’re anxious, it’s not just ‘being worried’, its irrational fear. Your mind can’t let go of worry. Your mind will create new fear that feels physical. That feels real. Your mind feels trapped.
You can sit and do all the fucking meditation in the world, but When the fear is deep in your mind, burning candles and a breathing doesn’t always help in that moment. And people telling you to do yoga and chew on valerian root and sip chamomile tea, doesn’t fucking help. During. Before as a ‘preventative’ perhaps, but I honestly don’t want hear about another natural remedy or to ‘try yoga’. . .i know people mean well, but 20 years. . .I’ve not been sitting here hoping it will ‘go away’, trust me, people who have had anxiety for a while, have already tried it.
What does help. Knowing that you have done this before. You know that you feel ‘normal’ sometimes. But you have to try. You can’t wallow in self-pity. It’s so fucking hard not to. When all you feel is burning hell inside your body. Why does this happen to me, is what you will ask yourself. What if this isn’t anxiety, what if I have some horrible problem with my brain. It feels physical, it can’t be just anxiety. The darkness tries like a mother fucker to eat you from the inside until all the joy and light and positivity is smothered in dark smog.
The pain doesn’t stay. Just tell yourself that. You feel like you won’t ever feel safe and ‘normal’ and happy. You will. You have. You are. Your mind is mixing chemicals like it wants to be on an episode of breaking bad and has no fucking clue how to make meth properly. Dont let it cook the meth.
And just because I feel this way right now, doesn’t mean I can’t function in this life. Yeh, I feel like I’m walking uphill dragging a house behind me while trying to survive, but I’ll pull that fucking house, it’s just going to take me a bit longer and I need the world to have patience while I do it. I think people have this fear that those of us with an anxiety disorder or any mental illness are all of a sudden going to combust and blow the fuck up. And they don’t want to take the ‘risk’. I have yet to be in the middle of a job and had my head blow up and green ooze covers everything. Most suffer alone. They do this, because the fear they have of what society will say and how they will react is terrifying. I guarantee you, a few people you work with live with mental illness, and you probably don’t even know. We can function. We can thrive. I still get anxious every time I post publicly anything about how I’m feeling because anxiety does that. Even though any time I write about mental illness or if Im not dealing with shit as smoothly as like, I get nothing but support, I still question everything I write and putting myself out to the world like that. I know some people don’t understand it. I know some people may not even believe it. There is no way in hell I could open up this much the first year or 2 of the anxiety monster living with me. But its been 20 years. It still feels shit. But I know its going to be ok. Because its been ok. Even though m anxious brain thinks ‘what if this is the time I go full crazy’ that’s the wild brain kicking in.
Luckily for me, I am at a stage in my life where I am more high function anxiety disorder girl. The first year it was tricky, but even at the age of 16 I still worked 2 jobs after school and the weekends as well as did my HSC. It was fucking hard. But I had great support and that helped me get through it. Just like now. And I don’t have a problem telling a stranger I’m having a panic attack. Sometimes you need someone to stand with you until it’s over. If a stranger told me they were having a panic attack, I wouldn’t run away. I would stand with them and chat to them like I would any other person who asked for help. With a kind and concerned heart.
We need to stop with the not ‘trusting’ those with mental illness. Do you know what it feels like to have anxiety, then to have anxiety on top of that every day anxiety with the fear that someone will judge them for it. Those all around you right now are dealing with it in some way. They either live with it themselves, or they know someone who is living with it. Mental illness doesn’t mean ‘loony’. Talking to a person with depression or anxiety, is the same as talking to a person without depression or anxiety. In fact. . .its SO FUN to talk to me. Cos I get all wild and enthusiastic and chatty and ramble and get hilarious. I have full on anxious energy that fuels me. I kind of turned my anxiety into my own petrol. It gets me chatting.
I would prefer no one had to deal with mental illness, but we do. It’s reality. I’ve said it before. . .we haven’t evolved enough to keep up with this life yet. Our minds can’t always keep up with what we are being dealt. Luckily for us, it’s 2016 and scientifically and through research and testing and observation, we have dr’s and therapists and many ways to help. It’s not the 19oo’s where you get sent to the asylum if you’re in the wild brain gang like me. Lets open up a bit more about it all. I know it seems like hardcore anxiety gang members like me on paper seem like not the best ‘choice’ but if we open up more, you will see that your friend who seems to be running a trillion-dollar company and ‘has it together’ has anxiety, you might realise that although it sux, its common. We wouldn’t stop talking to someone who was born with diabetes. I mean I hope you wouldn’t, I would stop talking to YOU if you did. Mental Illness is just something we all can help heal. Imagine how much better we would thrive if society had our back. I’ve got yours. Message me anytime if you need to chat. I’m a bit heart racey after writing this, so I might need a minute to get in the calm zone, just incase I don’t reply straight away. But please support those who have wild brains. Imagine how boring the world would be without us.